Disillusion
I am writing after a really long time. But then every time I write, I always say the same thing. Things have changed so much. GMAT is over. I got a 670. The score is really good. It’s well above average. But the score was not 700. Perhaps that’s the difference between paying fee and getting a scholarship in a US B-School. I have always been above average but never the best and the quest shall forever remain… I am not feeling disappointed. I mean though my immediate goal was to do well in GMAT, it was a small part of achieving something big. The BIG was the MBA-admit that I wanted. I never had any clear picture of which university I wanted to go. In which field do I want to specialize in. So only emotion I felt was I was that of relief.
I had seen a few things before going for my exam. I had started liking a girl who I managed to ask out to meet me more often. She said No to me. Well that wasn’t much of a surprise to me. I was mentally prepared for a No. I had been in such situations a few times before in my life. The only thing that may scare me now, is a Yes. To be really frank, that episode did not affect me much. I mean fate has a weird way of tackling things. It gave me a lot of time to figure out if I wanted to ask that girl out. But moment she said NO, I became so busy that the feeling of hopelessness just eluded me. Work was getting hectic as far as office was concerned. My mettle was being tested. It was tough time. It was a time when skill had taken a backseat but managing stress had become primary responsibility. This is still early June that I am talking about. It was just after I had taken my GMAT date and was all set for the hurdle.
In third week of June, after taking opinions of many doctors, my dad finally decided to get his bypass operation done. It was scheduled on July 11. My exam was on 18th July. My brother was also about to come from US. Work at office was getting complicated day by day. Amidst all this I also had to try and find time to study. I could not take this all. One Sunday, when somehow I did manage to find time for myself, while I was writing a poem ‘Fearless knot’, I started crying. Yea, it happens to the best. I was crying after a long, long time.
My brother came. Dad got operated. The work at office is not that much. GMAT is over. Brother has gone. Dad is recovering…
But I am wounded…
Last week for 4 days I had training about ENDECA search engine. Perhaps in days to come we are going to implement it in our project. But I am not up for it.
For 4 days I did try hard to focus but mind is somewhere else. I don’t know. I was continually getting a feeling which said that IT industry is not the place where I belong. I am not enjoying my work. I am considering it as a burden. I am not at all excited by the new challenge. I am feeling something missing in me. I have become quiet. I remain in my own world. Initially I used to go out for lunch alone once a week. Now it has become almost thrice a week. I don’t talk much to my team mates. I have never had many friends. Of the friends which I do have, there are very few who understand me. Of the ones who do understand me, there are a very few with whom I get time and opportunity to talk. Temporarily life is disillusioned. I don’t know what my immediate goal is. The fuel that was driving my MBA car seems to have dried up. The juices which used to titillate my poetic sense have evaporated. The music that guitar used to make has become a noise. The gentle leg-pulling which had become a part of me has become a nuisance. Only light I see right now is I am only responsible for myself and I don’t have to answer any one in any way for my conduct. The dependence factor is nil. Perhaps that time which my dad is using for recovering physically, I should utilize a fraction of it to recover mentally. It seems that my energies have drained.
But I never remain low for too long. Generally I come out of the hole that I dig for myself. I know things will improve. I know things will get better. Only wish is that, I HOPE things change quickly…
In the next article that I write I shall talk about… my ultimate job fantastà Teaching…..
Jay
I am writing after a really long time. But then every time I write, I always say the same thing. Things have changed so much. GMAT is over. I got a 670. The score is really good. It’s well above average. But the score was not 700. Perhaps that’s the difference between paying fee and getting a scholarship in a US B-School. I have always been above average but never the best and the quest shall forever remain… I am not feeling disappointed. I mean though my immediate goal was to do well in GMAT, it was a small part of achieving something big. The BIG was the MBA-admit that I wanted. I never had any clear picture of which university I wanted to go. In which field do I want to specialize in. So only emotion I felt was I was that of relief.
I had seen a few things before going for my exam. I had started liking a girl who I managed to ask out to meet me more often. She said No to me. Well that wasn’t much of a surprise to me. I was mentally prepared for a No. I had been in such situations a few times before in my life. The only thing that may scare me now, is a Yes. To be really frank, that episode did not affect me much. I mean fate has a weird way of tackling things. It gave me a lot of time to figure out if I wanted to ask that girl out. But moment she said NO, I became so busy that the feeling of hopelessness just eluded me. Work was getting hectic as far as office was concerned. My mettle was being tested. It was tough time. It was a time when skill had taken a backseat but managing stress had become primary responsibility. This is still early June that I am talking about. It was just after I had taken my GMAT date and was all set for the hurdle.
In third week of June, after taking opinions of many doctors, my dad finally decided to get his bypass operation done. It was scheduled on July 11. My exam was on 18th July. My brother was also about to come from US. Work at office was getting complicated day by day. Amidst all this I also had to try and find time to study. I could not take this all. One Sunday, when somehow I did manage to find time for myself, while I was writing a poem ‘Fearless knot’, I started crying. Yea, it happens to the best. I was crying after a long, long time.
My brother came. Dad got operated. The work at office is not that much. GMAT is over. Brother has gone. Dad is recovering…
But I am wounded…
Last week for 4 days I had training about ENDECA search engine. Perhaps in days to come we are going to implement it in our project. But I am not up for it.
For 4 days I did try hard to focus but mind is somewhere else. I don’t know. I was continually getting a feeling which said that IT industry is not the place where I belong. I am not enjoying my work. I am considering it as a burden. I am not at all excited by the new challenge. I am feeling something missing in me. I have become quiet. I remain in my own world. Initially I used to go out for lunch alone once a week. Now it has become almost thrice a week. I don’t talk much to my team mates. I have never had many friends. Of the friends which I do have, there are very few who understand me. Of the ones who do understand me, there are a very few with whom I get time and opportunity to talk. Temporarily life is disillusioned. I don’t know what my immediate goal is. The fuel that was driving my MBA car seems to have dried up. The juices which used to titillate my poetic sense have evaporated. The music that guitar used to make has become a noise. The gentle leg-pulling which had become a part of me has become a nuisance. Only light I see right now is I am only responsible for myself and I don’t have to answer any one in any way for my conduct. The dependence factor is nil. Perhaps that time which my dad is using for recovering physically, I should utilize a fraction of it to recover mentally. It seems that my energies have drained.
But I never remain low for too long. Generally I come out of the hole that I dig for myself. I know things will improve. I know things will get better. Only wish is that, I HOPE things change quickly…
In the next article that I write I shall talk about… my ultimate job fantastà Teaching…..
Jay
